New Article About How Relationships Can Suck Up On Heeb!

Hi! This is something I wrote recently. Have fun with it maybe, I don’t know. Bye. Love you. Bye.

DIRECT LINK!!!

As a single woman, I find it helps me to think of all the negative things about relationships. Just the whole point of them in general, all the time and patience they require. A lot of it can be pretty dumb. Not like frisbee golf dumb, but close. It’s a healthy exercise (claim not supported by any scientific evidence). I just curl up with a tiny bottle of whiskey, ignore my mom’s voicemail messages to join JDate, and list all the cons. This is some of what I came up with:

I Have To Learn Stuff About That Person. A lot of Stuff.

This is a constant thing that happens from the start to the finish of a relationship. As soon as me and this person lock eyes and decide on being romantic with one another we both instantly feel like we need to know every single thing about each other. Thus ensues a cheesy, boring, and cliché onslaught of cutesy romantic crap like talking on the phone till 3am or staying in bed together for a whole day and bonding over all the ways we think we might die. On top of that, in order to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend you’ve got to really internalize these things too.
You have to know their favorite movies, favorite music, certain food allergies, why the went to prison, why they were in a mental hospital for six months, etc. All for the sake of intimacy. What’s the reward? They feel comfortable farting around you, and asking you to pop their butt pimples. Cool. Awesome. Great.
Then what happens when you eventually break up? You have to forget all that information. Now all that stuff you learned is useless. You can’t forget it though. It just swarms in your head taking up valuable brain space, which sucks ‘cuz it’s hardly ever useful information either. You’re never going to need to know any of this stuff in say, a life or death situation or if you’re a contestant of Jeopardy. No, you’re just stuck for the rest of your life knowing that Shawn is convinced all Jewish girls get turned on by Neil Diamond songs (only partly true), and that Zach has a weird armpit fetish.

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Kryptonite Got You Down #4 

Hey, newest article for my column is up on Comics Bulletin. Here is a sample, click the link up here or at the bottom to read the rest! 

Kryptonite Got You Down? #4

“Figure shit out. Stop being an ass. Send me nude pics.”

Hi Alison,

I have a delicate matter to discuss. You see, I’m a debonair playboy billionaire trying to give back to his community by beating the crap out of less privileged individuals who have taken to a life of crime. To aid me in this, I’ve recently taken on a young ward who tragically lost his family. We’re a great team, even though I prefer outfits that help me blend into the darkness and my ward likes to dress, well, like some kind of color blind pageboy. But our problem isn’t fashion oriented. Our problem is that people seem to be under the impression that we’re engaging in a Greek style apprenticeship. You know, the kind that involves a different sort of “hands on” tutelage. 

It’s become quite embarrassing. Not because I’m homophobic (trust me, I’ve given more than my fair share to GLAAD over the years), but I already have enough issues with the law and all I need is to be placed on some kind of sex offender register. Worse, it seems to be all the media latches onto now. They don’t care about the work I’m doing to rid the streets of the mentally ill and aggressively impoverished, all they talk about is my “boy toy wonder.” Even that local journalist who’s obsessed with some kind of tiger woman blathers on about it. What can I do to make it obvious that there’s nothing going on here? And should I discuss this with the boy? Maybe encourage him to dress less…provocatively?

Yours,

Billionaire in Awkward, Tricky Situation

---

Yo Dude,

A pretty tricky situation indeed. You know, I usually don’t care to solve the problems of spoiled billionaire one-percent-er assholes like yourself but you do fight crime and help the community and all so I guess just this once I’ll waive the “no helping rich assholes” rule. Consider yourself lucky! Oh wait, you already do! Anyways, rich boss types who take on a young, cute “assistant” or “intern” or “student to mentor” are often accused of having sexual relations with them. I believe most people think this because it is absolutely true. At least 95% of the time it is. Cause I mean seriously, what sort of creative writing professor really needs a student assistant three times a week to work with him in his office and help him “brainstorm?” It’s total bullshit! It’s really just an excuse to hit on a young, impressionable, horny college girl who idolizes older men with creative writing degrees because she doesn’t know what it means to be a real adult. On that note, Professor Marx if you’re reading this, this is not about you! ;). 

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING…

Anonymous asked: Deat Brit Brit, I'm seeing a really great guy but he hates my dog. She smells really bad because of this tumor in her mouth, but of course, I love her anyway. It's not like I let her sleep in my room but she has this cloud of smell following her around, but she only has a few months to live. It's gotten to the point where this guy is like: either you put the dog down, or we're through. What should I do?

Ohhhhh damn girl this is like totally sad! Like Finding Nemo sad except that had a happy ending. I’m assuming you got one of those mutt type dogs that poor people buy at malls. My princess chihuahua Ruby never smells bad, because I take her to the groomer, salon, and manicurist at least once a week. Also, she’s really hot. I mean, I’m not like into that (ew!) but like I take her to the mall with me a lot and sometimes other dogs are there totally ogling her! They wish they were her, or totally want to bone her. I mean, I know she’s not my daughter but I can’t help feeling like my genetics had something to do with this. 

Your boyfriend is totes right in being icked out (I mean tumors essentially look the same as weight gain - ick!), but also it’s totally too late for you to exchange your dog (unless you kept the receipt??) I guess if you already love it or whatever that would be a bad idea anyways.

Hmm, this isa ruff one (LOL get it, ruff! Cause like dogs bark and that’s what it sounds like but also there’s the word rough - i think it’s called a palindrome). Don’t put the pup down just yet! Maybe try giving her a…MAKEOVER!! Omg, duh! Yeah just like, completely go all out, give her a day at the spa, and like a full on fur dye. Buy her some perfume and make her feel sexy! 

Once your boyfriend sees the effort your putting into making your doggie less ugly, maybe he’ll cut you some slack and continue your relationship.

But if he still isn’t cool with this, then I say only follow his wishes if he is a) really hot b) super rich or c) both! These are the things that obviously outweight whatever dumb emotional bond you have with your dog. 

Hope this helps!

xoxo,

Brittney Kelly ;)

Brittney Kelly Answers Your Dating Questions!

Brittney Kelly the wonderful woman who brought you this article on how to get the perfect boyfriend, and also this one on how guys can get hot girlfriends wants to answer YOUR questions about sex/romance/dating/whatever! So ask away! You won’t regret it. 

Brittney Kelly In This Month’s Issue of Forty Ounce Bachelors

Electro-literary magazine, Forty Ounce Bachelors has published my fake persona, Brittney Kelly. She is providing readers with some very insightful truths about how to date. Check it out! By clicking this. 

Last time, they published my other writing persona, delusional housewife Martha Smith back in November. If you never read that then do so now…by clicking this. 

Brittney Kelly’s Guide to Scoring the Perfect Guy!

My good friend Brittney Kelly (lol me) is guest blogging for me today with this wonderfully insightful dating guide for all you single ladies! Check it out:

Brittney Kelly’s Guide to Scoring the Perfect Guy!

Brittney Kelly is a professional man-getter. She has been writing about romance and dating for two years now and considers herself an expert. She currently lives in Orange County with her parents, and boyfriend, Chet.

Hey ladies. If you’re like me (which you obviously are cause all us girls are the same) then you know how hard it is to get a cute boy’s attention. Its taken me years to land really hot guys but now I have concockted (hehe) the perfect formula for landing that special someone and keeping him.

In just 38 easy steps, you too can find the perfect man. Read on!

Step 1: Get Wasted!

Seriously, so many ladies underestimate the power of alcohol. Getting drunk is a great way to open up your mind, and your legs! When drunk, I suddenly find myself more easily flattered by even the simplest of compliments. You know compliments like, “nice tits,” or “if I had a Porsche, I would fuck you in it.” If only he did have a Porsche! But sometimes, a Honda Civic will have to do. Am I right ladies?

Step 2: Don’t Know More Than Him!

Never show that you might know more than a guy. If you prove him wrong, that’s the end of it all. Guys love girls who giggle excessively, and always looked confused. Bonus: The “confused” facial expression burns .876 more calories than the “thinking” facial expression. Who said being dumb wasn’t a good thing? Being stupid prevents a double chin. Worth it! If you find it hard not to show your intelligence when meeting men, then try changing your overall lifestyle in general. You can read less books, and pick up more gossip magazines. Trade in that college scholarship for a boob job! Have your t.v. permanently set to VH1, and never, ever, ever watch the news!

Steps 3-36: Suck His Dick, ALWAYS!

Whenever he wants a BJ you give it to him! To men, blowjobs are like manicures. Can’t go three days without one! Guys grow weary if you go more than a week without providing him this service. I mean, you don’t want to lose him once you have him am I right? If you’ve landed a hottie with a body, then do everything in your power to keep him wanting more. More of you! The only reason guys cheat is because so many girls are not willing to constantly sexually gratify their man. It’s like, of course he’s going to search elsewhere if you’re going to be such a stuck up selfish bitch. Know what I mean?

Step 37: ANAL!

;)

Step 38: Stay Hot!

Being ugly is the worst. If you’re fat, or have pimples, or small boobs, or some other gross stuff like that, then transform yourself immediately. Most attractive women are blonde, skinny, and big chested. This goes for all women! Regardless of ethnicity!! If you don’t look like this, then get to work! Sometimes, being brunette is okay, but if your man prefers you blonde then you must be willing to make the change. This is after all, a partnership. It’s not all about you! The one thing that keeps a guy in love with you is your physical appearance. Guys have their other guy friends when it comes to things like good conversation, and playing video games.

Now get to it girls. Before all the good guys get taken!  

THIS COULD BE YOU!! :) :) :)