No Dancing

MARTHA SMITH LETTER TO JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!

Martha Smith of The Wacky Smith Family Blog wrote a letter to her and her daughter Abby’s favorite musician…

Dear Justin Bieber,

Hello Mr. Bieber!!! It is so wonderful to actually write to you. I keep thinking of things I should say to you in my head but I never actually write them down. Nervous maybe?? I don’t know. I do know that I am a big fan though! LOL!!

Anyways, my wonderful and darling daughter Abby and her twin sister Veronica are having a birthday soon. They will be turning 16 and 16 respectively. Abby is a lot of fun and is very popular in school. She’s got boys calling her all the time, and girls are jealous of her. Even I am sometimes, I must admit! Often times when I am reading her Facebook (it’s a social media site the kids are really into, friend me if you have one) I’ll see a lot of her friends write things like “Abby, Queen of Handys”. You kids have crazy lingo these days, but I am pretty sure this means that her friends often applaud her with their hands when they see her walking down the hall or run into her at the mall because she is so beautiful and popular.

The other girl, Veronica…well she is more of a weirdo. A total freak really. I don’t know how she came out of my body, I’m a total normal! It’s so odd how God works. He must be punishing me for some reason. Honestly, she is more my husband’s daughter than mine. I focused much more on Abby when they were children mainly because I could sense the potential in her versus Veronica. At a young age, Veronica took a liking to loud screamy music (ick) and never wanted to wear pretty clothes like Abby did. I knew then she would be a lost cause, but only two more years till she can leave the house!

Anyways, I am writing to you because I know what an amazing performer you are. I personally, have watched Never Say Never over twenty times…so far! LOL We have it in the house and I am sure Abby has watched it more times than I have!!! Every time I mention you she says you are “tween shit” and as a cool, hip mom I know that these days to be “shit” is a good thing. Like how Abby calls herself “hot shit” and how Veronica calls me “the shittiest person to ever exist” (she tries to win me over, but her tone never makes it feel genuine).

Abby tries to be modest, but I can tell that she really loves everything you do. I know for a fact she fantasizes about you often. She often finds herself imagining what it would be like to trim your silken brown hair so your bangs don’t get in your eyes, or to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while you rehearse your next great masterpiece, or even to have you dedicate a Grammy to her thanking her for all her love and support, claiming she was a lot like your mother. In fact, better than your mother. You know, standard teenager type desires.

With all this in mind, I would like to invite you to Abby’s big Sweet Sixteen party. We’re throwing her a huge bash in a country club with a DJ, food, and even fake mixed drinks made from this non-alchoholic synthetic vodka Abby recommended herself called Popov. Abby and her friends are very excited. She keeps saying it is going to be the “party of the year” and her friends are already flooding her Facebook with excited wall posts!!! What would truly make it special however is if YOU could show up. You have no idea how much it would mean to Abby to have her hero there. If you could just be there for ten minutes, to sing her Happy Birthday in falsetto and have a slice of cake with her mom. It would truly mean the whole world to her and in turn, it would mean the world to me.

If you’re worried about Veronica, don’t be! This shindig is solely for Abby! Veronica did not want a party. Shocker, right? LOL No instead we gave Veronica $20 and told her she could do whatever she wanted that night! As long as she promised not to ruin Abby’s evening, which trust me if she could she totally would because she is a horrible bully like that. I think Veronica is taking the evening to spend in her room and make more of her weird art things.

So with all this being said, you could help make a girl go from happy to happiest by just being present at her huge celebration for even a short while. I have a feeling once you’re there you won’t want to leave! Me and Abby are very charming, me especially! LOL! I would be the happiest mother in the world if you could do just this one thing for us! I know you are a busy and wonderfully talented man but if you happen to have room in your schedule, please consider the visiting the Smith family!!!

Forever a Belieber,

Martha Smith :D

<3<3<3

Bad Sex Story

Guest blogged for Dewan Gibson’s blog, Imperfect Enjoyment. click here for original article link. 

Guest Blog: If I Only Stopped At Sloppy Kisses

Posted by Dewan Gibson | Filed under Humor, Short Stories

This is the tale of my very worst sexual partner. For his own sake I won’t reveal his name so let’s just call him Shit*y McShitterson. I met Shit*y the same way a lot of us girls meet guys like him; while drunk at a bar.

Shit*y ended up coming back to my place. We do the whole foreplay thing, and holy sh*t he is the worst kisser I have ever had the misfortune of kissing. It was as if he learned how to kiss by practicing on a St Bernard. Just all slobber. For some reason dumbass me did not take this as a huge sign for how horrible him going down on me was going to be. As soon as he put his mouth down there my vagina felt like one of the passengers on the Titanic drowning in an ocean of despair. Now you guys want to hear the best part? Shit*y goes down on me for about two excruciating minutes, then quickly feels my vagina and gets up to get a condom. I ask, “What are you doing?” and he says, “We should f*ck now. You’re really wet.”

I was so pissed off at this point, and in my drunken stupor could not stop laughing. No I’m not fu*king wet you asshole. I’m just covered in your gross saliva and being reminded of the movie Beethoven not getting horny. At that point every bone in my body was telling me I was going to regret it if I had sex with this guy, but when I’m drunk I don’t listen to my bones. I listen to my dumb head that reminds me I haven’t fu*ked since my boyfriend and I broke up.

Well he gets it in there, and immediately the phrase “jack-hammer” comes to mind. He was going so fast that I could hear the sound of his stomach and leg fat loudly banging onto my body. I was thinking that it was a good thing I didn’t have one of those “clap on clap off” lights in my room or else it would have been going on the fritz at that moment—it would have looked like we were fu*king in a rave.

Then the dirty talk happened. He kept going, “Yeah, you like that don’t you?” Seriously, how can this guy be so stupid? There was nothing about my body language that even came close to implying I “liked that”. Yeah dude, I like it so much that I can barely look you in the face without laughing. I like it so much that I have to tell you to slow down every ten seconds, and stop breathing so hard. By the time he finished I was so pissed off and disappointed that when he tried to cuddle I told him to leave. He asked me why and I said, “That sex was so bad that there is no amount of post-coital cuddling or cutesy pillow talk in the world that can make up for it.”

This incident happened around a year ago and luckily I’ve been better at choosing partners. This guy just couldn’t face the fact that his fucking was so bad. Honestly, if I had to choose between having sex with him again and being forced to watch Justin Beiber music videos for five hours straight. I would go with Beiber. It was that bad.

Note to the fellas: being good at sex does not necessarily come naturally. These things take time and it’s different from woman to woman. A real good sexual partner is someone who will be open-minded, and will invest in the other person’s feelings as much as their own. A good sexual partner needs to have humility, and learn from mistakes. Not deny them to the point of delusion. Obviously, I never spoke to this guy again and if you’ve ever hooked up with a girl thinking she’d call you back…maybe this is the reason why she hasn’t.

-Alison S.