HEY SUPER EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT. READY?
A few of us Vice writers who happen to also be stand up comedians are starting a weekly comedy show at Los Globos in Silverlake!
Our debut will be on May 22 at 9pm. Our headliners are Kyle Kinane and Neil Hamburger!
PRETTY FUCKING COOL IF YOU ASK ME.
please come.
Combat Juggling is a real sport started by juggling prodigy Jason Garfield. Unlike the cartoon cat, this Garfield isn’t a lazy boy at all. According to the World Juggling Federation, he entered the juggling industry when he was 11, having mastered “the juggling of ten balls, ten rings, and seven clubs.” So what do you do after that? Try and juggle more balls, rings, and clubs until you are nothing but a gyrating mass of balls, rings, and clubs? No, that would be pointless.
Instead, you create a competition between other jugglers wherein they battle each other for juggling supremacy. That is exactly what Garfield did, and thank the lord for it. The man revolutionized juggling as we know it, turning it into a competitive contact sport. In 2011, the World Juggling Federation produced the first ever live juggling competition on ESPN3. I guess ESPN was busy airing some stupid football game, and the bozos over at ESPN2 think poker is more of a sport worth watching. But ESPN3 took the bait, and soon, the rest of the world will. It’s only a matter of time.
Hi everyone. I have decided to reveal some of my erotic fan fiction to you guys. This is one of my favorites dedicated to the greatest funk-rockers of all time, Flea and Anthony Kiedis. I warn you that it is pretty graphic (near the end mostly) so if you are my mom please don’t read this!
~Red Hot Chili Loving~
Erotic Fan Fiction About Flea and Anthony Kiedis
(of the Red Hot Chili Peppers)
The funk infused alternative rock show with a hint of punk rock aesthetics just ended. The guys head back to their dressing room. Sweaty and tired they plop on the couch and munch on some Chex Mix. Flea pours tequila inside the Chex Mix bowl, whips out a large wooden spoon and starts munching. Anthony Kiedis sees this and says, “Aw dude, dinner cereal again? Don’t you think you’re getting a little too old for that?”
“You’re only as old as you feel! Want some?” Flea aims the wooden spoon towards Anthony Kiedis’s face but he bats it away. Flea then offers it to the other two guys in the band, but they also reject it.
The band’s manager comes in. “Red Hot Chili Peppers. You’re great. You’re amazing. In fact, you’re RED HOT!”
Anthony Kiedis glares at their manager, his name is Dave or Rick or something. “You say this after every show we do. Getting very old.”
One of the dudes in the band that isn’t Flea or Anthony Kiedis says, “Yeah, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have existed since 1983. That’s when you started managing the band. That was almost thirty years ago.” He then closes the tab on the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Wikipedia page that happened to already be open on his iPad.
Anthony Kiedis only heard the words ‘thirty years’. They echo in his brain. Wow, he thinks to himself, that’s such a long time. He then looks around the room and says, “Wow, I think to myself, that’s such a long time.”
“I was just thinking to myself the same thing” states Flea, still munching on the dinner cereal.
The manager interrupts, “But you boys act young. Everything about you screams youth. You’ve still got it boys. Anyways, hey other two guys in the band the Red Hot Chili Peppers, how about we go out to the bar and take some shots of Jack Daniels, a moderately priced whiskey?”
The two dudes comply leaving only Flea and Anthony Kiedis in the dressing room. They are alone in the dressing room. Anthony Kiedis and Flea are all alone and Flea is a little drunk.
Anthony Kiedis stares at Flea. He notes the wrinkles in his face, and the funny little way his eyes dangle like a nutsack.
New Kryptonite Got You Down is up on Comics Bulletin. Here’s a little preview. Read the rest here.
Kryptonite Got You Down? #5
Never be jealous of surfers. Do you know how stupid surfing is?
Dear Alison,
For most of my adult life I’ve suffered from an unenviable skin condition that has left my entire face red and bone dry. I used to be the epitome of the Aryan ideal, with gorgeous blonde locks and icy blue eyes, but now I can’t even get the weak women of inferior stock to look my way.
I sought out power and riches thinking that would help the Nordic women I deserve to look the other way in regards to my unfortunate dermatological state and now I find myself at odds with a man who has everything I’ve lost – gorgeous blonde locks, icy blue eyes and Nordic women literally killing themselves for him! To make matters worse, he represents everything I’m against and is too concerned with truth and justice to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. Do you have any skincare regimens you could recommend to a man in my position? Or should I just resign myself to being this vanilla jock’s ghastly wingman?
Yours,
Skin is Killing my Unfortunate Love Life
Hiiii. So i was a guest on the Filmdrunk podcast, the Frotcast. It went up today. These guys are really funny so you should definitely listen to it, and listen to all the other episodes too. <3
Okay so after a lot of formatting issues, and Kindle being not as ideal as I was hoping I have decided to create my “ebook” as a free PDF file for all to download and enjoy. It’s a pretty short, and hopefully fun read.
Stuff you might have already read but a lot of stuff that you probably haven’t! Most of it is parody, and introduces a new character, Beatrice Fowley.
(link takes you to File Dropper site where you click “download this file”)
“Figure shit out. Stop being an ass. Send me nude pics.”
Hi Alison,
I have a delicate matter to discuss. You see, I’m a debonair playboy billionaire trying to give back to his community by beating the crap out of less privileged individuals who have taken to a life of crime. To aid me in this, I’ve recently taken on a young ward who tragically lost his family. We’re a great team, even though I prefer outfits that help me blend into the darkness and my ward likes to dress, well, like some kind of color blind pageboy. But our problem isn’t fashion oriented. Our problem is that people seem to be under the impression that we’re engaging in a Greek style apprenticeship. You know, the kind that involves a different sort of “hands on” tutelage.
It’s become quite embarrassing. Not because I’m homophobic (trust me, I’ve given more than my fair share to GLAAD over the years), but I already have enough issues with the law and all I need is to be placed on some kind of sex offender register. Worse, it seems to be all the media latches onto now. They don’t care about the work I’m doing to rid the streets of the mentally ill and aggressively impoverished, all they talk about is my “boy toy wonder.” Even that local journalist who’s obsessed with some kind of tiger woman blathers on about it. What can I do to make it obvious that there’s nothing going on here? And should I discuss this with the boy? Maybe encourage him to dress less…provocatively?
Yours,
Billionaire in Awkward, Tricky Situation
Yo Dude,
A pretty tricky situation indeed. You know, I usually don’t care to solve the problems of spoiled billionaire one-percent-er assholes like yourself but you do fight crime and help the community and all so I guess just this once I’ll waive the “no helping rich assholes” rule. Consider yourself lucky! Oh wait, you already do! Anyways, rich boss types who take on a young, cute “assistant” or “intern” or “student to mentor” are often accused of having sexual relations with them. I believe most people think this because it is absolutely true. At least 95% of the time it is. Cause I mean seriously, what sort of creative writing professor really needs a student assistant three times a week to work with him in his office and help him “brainstorm?” It’s total bullshit! It’s really just an excuse to hit on a young, impressionable, horny college girl who idolizes older men with creative writing degrees because she doesn’t know what it means to be a real adult. On that note, Professor Marx if you’re reading this, this is not about you! ;).
