New Article About How Relationships Can Suck Up On Heeb!
Hi! This is something I wrote recently. Have fun with it maybe, I don’t know. Bye. Love you. Bye.
As a single woman, I find it helps me to think of all the negative things about relationships. Just the whole point of them in general, all the time and patience they require. A lot of it can be pretty dumb. Not like frisbee golf dumb, but close. It’s a healthy exercise (claim not supported by any scientific evidence). I just curl up with a tiny bottle of whiskey, ignore my mom’s voicemail messages to join JDate, and list all the cons. This is some of what I came up with:
I Have To Learn Stuff About That Person. A lot of Stuff.
This is a constant thing that happens from the start to the finish of a relationship. As soon as me and this person lock eyes and decide on being romantic with one another we both instantly feel like we need to know every single thing about each other. Thus ensues a cheesy, boring, and cliché onslaught of cutesy romantic crap like talking on the phone till 3am or staying in bed together for a whole day and bonding over all the ways we think we might die. On top of that, in order to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend you’ve got to really internalize these things too.
You have to know their favorite movies, favorite music, certain food allergies, why the went to prison, why they were in a mental hospital for six months, etc. All for the sake of intimacy. What’s the reward? They feel comfortable farting around you, and asking you to pop their butt pimples. Cool. Awesome. Great.
Then what happens when you eventually break up? You have to forget all that information. Now all that stuff you learned is useless. You can’t forget it though. It just swarms in your head taking up valuable brain space, which sucks ‘cuz it’s hardly ever useful information either. You’re never going to need to know any of this stuff in say, a life or death situation or if you’re a contestant of Jeopardy. No, you’re just stuck for the rest of your life knowing that Shawn is convinced all Jewish girls get turned on by Neil Diamond songs (only partly true), and that Zach has a weird armpit fetish.