In honor of Sex Tape, which is sure to be an amazing smash (pun intended?) hit of a film, this Rum & Rom-Coms is honoring the one and only Cameron Diaz. Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about her. Like all of you, I’ve never seen a performance of hers I’ve thought was great. But, for some reason I can’t bring myself to hate her. Perhaps this 2002 film, The Sweetest Thing will do it for me. It’s fortunately on Netflix Instant, as is Gambit (the other rom-com I was debating watching, written by the Coen brothers).
I haven’t seen this film before, but I do remember friends of mine in high school talking about it, and bringing up scenes that were supposedly funny. Apparently, this was supposed to be the rom-com to depict women as “cool” and “chill.” Women are just like the bros! Women do sex jokes, and can be all of the horny. Just like guys can. Weird!
The Sweetest Thing also stars Christina Applegate and Selma Blair, two actresses I like a lot, both more than Cameron Diaz. Jason Bateman is in this, too. The romantic lead, however, is some guy named Thomas Jane.
As for alcohol, I am going to have wine tonight. Some red bottle stuff that belongs to my roommate, and has been in the fridge for a month. I have a feeling it is super expired, so I might die watching this movie. If I do die, and ambulance workers have to barge into my room to get me, please tell them I was watching a more respectable film during my last moments on earth. Something like Citizen Kane or Ernest Goes to Camp.
Okay, so I have my wine (poured in a pasta jar I now use as a cup) ready. Pressing play, and the movie starts with a montage of different guys talking about Christina Walters (Cameron Diaz). All these guys mention what a player she is. She breaks hearts and ruins men’s lives because she’s so hot and fun, but doesn’t ever get into relationships. Okay wait, men are lamenting over a woman only wanting to have sex with them, and not wanting to date them? This movie is already bullshit, but let’s move on. Wow, I didn’t know if I could believe it, but to prove how hot and fun she is we see her dancing up a hill (a hill I recognize, this is definitely set in San Francisco). She’s just happy and dancing up a hill. There isn’t even any music playing. What a free-spirit! She talks to her best friend, Courtney (Christina Applegate), on her cell phone about signing a deal. Wait, Cameron Diaz is hot, fun, AND business? How is this woman real? No wonder these men are so heart-broken.
Now Christina and Courtney meet up with Jane (Selma Blair) who just got dumped by her boyfriend. You can tell she just got dumped because she is eating ice cream and crying. No woman eats ice cream for fun. My go to break-up food is whiskey, but ice cream works too I guess. So they tell her that being too available is wrong. Christina literally says, “Don’t go looking for Mr. Right. Go looking for Mr. Right now.” Okay whoever wrote this claims to be a real adult woman, but I have a feeling this script was written by ten fraternity guys using a pseudonym to conceal their identities. Kind of like Shakespeare.
So to console their heart-broken, emotionally available (aka HUGE IDIOT) friend Jane, the three go clubbing! Courtney is hitting on a guy, and sucking on olives on a stick like it’s a penis. This is something no woman has ever done in real life, and if you are with a woman doing this she is probably not a woman. She is ten fraternity bros hiding under one big bandage dress, pretending to be a woman.
Christina tries to help Jane find a guy to have sex with, but when she tries to pawn her friend off on a random guy, the guy says no thanks. Then Christina and this guy get into a fight. Their cute little argument turns her on, and now Christina is in love with him, because no man has ever argued with her before or something. Also, for a club this joint is very well lit, and the music is played at quite a reasonable level.
Christina complains about “ugh what a jerk” he is to Courtney, and Courtney can see right through the frustration and is all like, wow you sooo like him. Also, other women in the bathroom are touching Courtney’s breasts because they are fake and big. Courtney says Christina is being “bejiggity”, and Christina is all like, “no I’m not bejiggity”, and I’m all like “what the f*ck is bejiggity?” More wine. Now.
Jason Bateman appears as the douchebag bro friend. Oh, but he is literally this main guy’s brother in the film. Yes, he is sporting awful facial hair in case you were wondering. Christina chickens out on hanging out with the guy of her dreams at a hotel for some bachelor party. When she goes home, she has a dream where she’s getting head from him, and he giggles like a schoolboy. He also says he wants to give her head every hour forever and that men don’t like oral sex. Boy, what a dream! Don’t we all wish this was true ladies?! Okay actually, I can’t be sarcastic about this. That would genuinely be perfect. Thennn room service brings ice cream, and get this…it has no calories! “This is what all women dream about,” said the ten fraternity brothers disguised as Nancy Pimental, who wrote this. What really bugs me about this, is it’s doing what so many movies do, where it implies people actually have good dreams. Is it just me, or are most dreams horrible catastrophic events where the worst things imaginable happen, and sometimes you see your dad naked?
Jane ended up hooking up with a guy the night they went clubbin’, and the next day she has to take the dress to the dry-cleaners because it has a huge jizz-stain LOL. This dry cleaner happens to be a family friend, then a whole classroom of kids are on a field trip inside the dry-cleaners, and the teacher is her old third grade teacher who miraculously remembers her. Oh, but that’s not all. Then her priest comes in making this such an awkward experience. Oh the hilarity, I am assuming.
Christina and Courtney are at lunch, discussing how Christina is totally crushing on this guy she spoke to for a total of maybe six minutes. Oh, but it’s hopeless because he lives in some shit town up north and she never got his number blah blah. This movie would not exist if Facebook was around. I would have found that guy in seconds, if I only knew his first name and what city he was born in. I can’t remember what was around in 2002. Think she could have stalked his Live Journal and called it a day?
So Jane joins the girls for lunch, and talks about the guy who gave her the epic jizz stain. They of course, have to talk about his dick. Wait, now they’re going into this weird thing about how they have to tell men how big and pretty dicks are. They’re also pretending random objects on the table are dicks, then literally break into song singing, “You’re too big to fit in here.” FEMINISM IS OFFICIALLY DEAD. This is literally a three-minute song and dance praising how amazing the penis is. Brilliant line in the song includes: “My body is a movie and your penis is the star. Starring your penis.” I’m not mad… I’m disappointed.
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