Posts tagged: alison stevenson

I am posting a bunch of screencaps from the various messages I get on both OkCupid on Tinder. These are all INITIAL messages. Most are from my Instagram account, and some have been featured on this VICE article.

Rum & Rom-Coms: Valentine’s Day (Belated…sowwwy)

This is a DOOZY….read the rest on Filmdrunk.

I want to apologize for not getting this out on Valentine’s Day but I did watch it on Valentine’s Day, which is all that really matters. Right? Anyways, when I wrote this I was menstrual as hell, and in a more cynical mood than I ever thought possible. It was obviously the combination of my hormones being on the fritz plus knowing I was alone yet again for a “holiday” that I wouldn’t want to take part in even if I was with someone. Oh, and having intense pizza withdrawals to top it all off (two weeks and counting, pray for me).

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VDAYCONEGUY

I’m already kind of drunk as I type this because as soon as I got home I took two shots of light pomegranate vodka, and made myself a vodka soda to sip on. All I had for dinner was a CLIF bar so let’s get this shit started.

I was trying to think of the perfect movie for Valentine’s Day, and Google searched “Valentine’s Day movie”. Turns out, there is actually a movie directed by Gary Marshall called “Valentine’s Day” from 2010 starring a gaggle of famous people. How did I not know this until now? Also, what do you call this kind of film? The type that casts any and every famous person who is available for three days of shooting and has eighteen different plots happening at the same time? Well if it doesn’t have a name I propose to call it… a DUMB movie. Ha, first zinger off the bat!

So, “Valentine’s Day” it is. I have pressed play, and a radio voice comes on saying, “Wake up, Angelinos”. This lets me know that the film takes place in Los Angeles. The voice has a name – “Romeo Midnight,” and right away he makes it clear that he is only speaking before midnight because it is Valentine’s Day. This is his day. Romeo Midnight sounds creepy as shit. He sounds like he not only has a goatee, but dyes it black. Okay, some random shots of Los Angeles appear on the screen and radio guy talks, and I think I missed some sort of joke. A bunch of trucks were driving down a Beverly Hills street and all turned into different driveways at the same time? Is this supposed to be some sort of gardener joke? Like an “only rich white people will get this” sort of thing? No wait, now it’s even better. It cut to a male construction worker with his arm around a female construction worker. Again, I don’t get it. Are they a couple, or is this sexual harassment? Some construction worker in the back is wearing a cone on his head and I can’t stop laughing. I have a feeling this might be the best part of the whole movie.

God there are so many actors in this movie.  Feel like the editor had to use all the random “outdoor Los Angeles” clips he could find to get every single actor’s name up in the opening credits.

Okay here we go, we’re finally starting and it’s Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Alba in bed. Ashton has a ring in his hand, and proposes to Jessica Alba (who just woke up looking absolutely perfect and flawless like all us women do). Oh great we’re starting off right away with shitty romantic lines no man would ever actually say in real life. Ashton explains that when he was a kid, most of the advice his dad gave him was crap (daddy issues alert), but his idiot dad did say this one thing, which Ashton feels he needs to say now to Jessica Alba: “If you’re ever with a girl that’s too good for you, marry her.” Great logic Ashton. Make sure to marry the woman that’s better than you so you can bring her down to your lesser level and ensure her future is as pathetic as yours. Why would you even say that to her? Now you’re letting her know that you’re a sad sack of shit and that she can do better. I would genuinely much prefer if a man proposed to me and said, “we are equally just okay.”

VDAYFOUNT

Well, Ashton is happy because Jessica Alba said yes and all of a sudden a bunch of shots of water from different fountains shooting in the air comes onscreen. Wait, does Ashton have a boner or something? Really, a marriage proposal is giving you a hard-on? Cut to Ashton telling his BFF George Lopez about it all as they get inside a pink van together and almost get into a car accident because Ashton is so in love, or whatever. Also, the guy driving the car Ashton almost hits is Eddie LeBec (Carla’s second husband) from Cheers, making this the third Rum & Rom-Coms in a row to reference an actor from Cheers. I have never been more proud of myself.

Next, we take a break from Ashton’s fascinating storyline to check out Jamie Foxx in a newsroom. Uh-oh, our boy Jamie got an assignment he don’t like. He’s pulling the “I’m a serious sports journalist” line on his boss (Kathy Bates), but she’s all like “Ratings, bub”. Oh no, he’s got to walk around the streets and ask strangers what Valentine’s Day means to them, like a common whore. In his head I bet he’s all like, “DID I GO TO SERIOUS SPORTS JOURNALISM SCHOOL FOR NOTHING?”

Okay, now Jamie is talking about how much he hates Valentine’s Day (what is he, a girl?!?! LOL) and says to Kathy Bates, “Listen, I’m a player but I shut down my playerness from New Years to St. Patty’s Day just so I can avoid this day.” First of all, why would you keep it shut down up until St. Patty’s day? That’s a whole month after Valentine’s Day. That’s probably the best time to up the playerness because Valentine’s Day is a year away. Second, why did Jamie go along with the word “playerness” in this script as if that is something black people actually say?

Great we’re already back to Ashton Kutcher, who is a florist (explains the pink van). Oh I see, the Jamie Foxx and Ashton Kutcher worlds are about to collide with an on-the-street interview. Ashton is the Rain Man of flowers and knows that 110 million roses are sold every year on Valentine’s Day, which really impresses Jamie Foxx…not! Boy, I sure am having a lot of fun with this movie. Time for another shot. I still have half my vodka soda by the way.

ValentinesDay-Garner

VDay Facebook Page

New storyline: Patrick Dempsey and Jennifer Garner. Dempsey starts juggling three apples as Jennifer Garner says something about him having a flaw and he’s all like “what?” Uh, dude you’re juggling, that’s your major flaw. Obviously don’t act shocked, you dweeb. Shit, Jenn doesn’t even bring it up. His job? That’s the flaw? Oh she’s mad that he’s a rich, successful heart surgeon who has to fly out of town on Valentine’s Day? Much worse. My bad, Jenn. You do you.

Doctor Dempsey turns on the TV and sees Ashton Kutcher being interviewed about love. He says, “Love is the only shocking act left on the planet.” The f*ck does that even mean? Has this guy heard of murder-suicides? War? Drug trafficking? Child prostitution? Police brutality? All those things are way more shocking acts than two people deciding they tolerate one another enough to be boring together for a few years until they break up. Wow, and again I am being told that I am wrong. Jamie Foxx says that Ashton Kutcher has to be right because he is a florist. What the shit is this movie.

Valentines-Topher

Alright, on to plot number four. Topher Grace and Anne Hathaway on a bed. The only place couples hang out I guess. Anna Hathaway just let out the most obnoxious cackle, and is taking Polaroid pictures. Artist alert! Do we got a photographer on our hands? Nope, turns out she is a poet. Even better. Anne Hathaway leaves in a hurry and turns out she is a phone sex operator. From her cell phone? To be a phone sex operator you have to have a landline. Also, they don’t just call whenever they want. You get to schedule the time when you want to do it. I know all of this because I have a lot of free time, and instead of making money being a phone sex operator I look up everything that being a phone sex operator entails without actually doing it.

Now there’s old people and a kid. Shirley Maclaine and Hector Elizondo are the grandparents of a little boy who has a dead mom I think. Also the boy is in love, and not really that sad about his dead mom. Wait, didn’t we already do this in “Love Actually”?

Valentines-Day-Bear

Moving on now to an elevator scene with Jennifer Garner and Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift is some sort of dumb, idiot, teenager and has a giant stuffed teddy bear that looks extremely emo. I have finished my vodka soda and am making another. So that’s three shots of vodka, and one completed vodka soda drink. I’m also eating more because that Clif bar was not enough.

Read the rest here.

Speed Dating on the LA Metro ;(

Here is how I spent my Valentine’s Day…read the whole article here.

Valentine’s Day would be pitiful and meaningless if it weren’t for various companies trying to subtly promote their brand through get-in-love-quick schemes. This year, the Los Angeles Metro decided to join in on the marketing fun by providing citizens of Los Angeles free speed dating on the subway. That’s right, free speed dating on the City of Angels’ finest public transportation service on Valentine’s Day morning.

How did any of this seem like a good idea to anyone? More importantly, who the hell would actually do this? It’s speed dating on public transportation in a city where around 0 percent of people drive, and on a Friday morning no less—a time when most people are probably working. Well, I don’t have a car, and my job is to refresh Twitter every 20 minutes, so I guess I was the target audience. I went, half-expecting most of the eligible bachelors to be the homeless people who use our beautiful subway system as a place to urinate.

I arrived at the North Hollywood Metro station at around 11:15. A booth was set up where two Metro workers were sitting. They had us sign some paperwork. When I asked about what I was signing the female employee said, “Oh this is just so you know it’s not our fault if you don’t find love.” Who did I have left to blame then? Just myself.

They then explained that every Red Line train going from North Hollywood to Union Station had one car designated for speed daters and speed daters only. I was given a pink wristband and a button with a pink heart on it to wear. I got on the car with my fellow lonely singles, and immediately got mingled on. These guys were not messin’ around!

About seven of us were on the train, and two Metro employees timing us. They blew a whistle and I was approached by Carlos who instantly said, “I bet you like rock music.” He then talked about being in nursing school, and forced me to take down his number. He saw my phone in my hand, and said he forgot his cell phone at home. So I got a number. A number I will never call. Everything was going as I expected.

READ THE REST!!!!

Me doing some stand up comedy stuffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rum & Rom-Coms #2: “Pizza My Heart”

Hey! The second Rum and Rom-Coms is up now. Read the intro here, and the rest on Filmdrunk.

pizzamyheart

Welcome to “Rum and Rom-Coms”. Basically what this is, is I watch a romantic comedy and get drunk while doing so. At the end, I give the film a rating according to how drunk I had to get in order to finish watching it. The higher the number, the worse the movie is.

This week, I picked a real festering heap of turd excuse for a film. It’s called Pizza My Heart, and it’s an ABC Family TV movie. It’s a modern take on Romeo & Juliet (can’t get enough of those) about two rival Italian families who each claim to have the best pizza in town. It stars nobody important. The most famous name on here from what I can tell is Dan Hedaya, a.k.a Carla’s ex-husband, Nick Tortelli, from Cheers. He plays one of the dads.

Before I press play, I know I’m going to need to be at least slightly buzzed to tolerate even the first five minutes without throwing my television screen into the Los Angeles River (which is a real thing, by the way). So I’m making myself some turkey bacon and drinking vodka with diet 7-Up.

I finished the drink, and am now making the same thing again. This time with a lot more vodka. I also ate half of a Reese’s peanut butter cup and took my birth control pill. I’m told that the best writing does not leave out any details, which is exactly what I am doing here for you. Also my pajama shirt has five different yellow stains on it. I won’t explain why there are so many yellow stains on my shirt, because I am told that the best writers leave out some details to create what is known as mystery.

So I am definitely feeling a buzz now. Time to press play.

READ THE REST HERE.

RUM & ROM-COMS: New Feature on FIlmdrunk

I am doing a new regular thing on Filmdrunk called Rum & Rom-Coms where I get myself drunk and sit through a horrible romantic comedy. This is the first one, the second will be up soon!

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Tonight, I decided to press play on the 2006 teen romance flick, It’s a Boy Girl Thing, starring Samaire Armstrong and Kevin Zegers. It’s about two teens who live next door to one another, and are total opposites. The boy is a popular jock, the girl is a total geek. One day they find that they’ve switched bodies. Hilarity, clarity, and vulgarity ensues.

Alright I’m sipping on some vodka mixed with this really good tangerine soda stuff from Trader Joe’s and pressing play on this bad boy. The opening credits have this weird stick figure animation, which I highly approve of. Stick figures during opening credits are a lost art that cinema needs to bring back as soon as possible.

Whoa this is fantastic. The first five minutes already has the dude blaring Mystikal’s “Shake Ya Ass” and the girl accidentally losing her top.

bgthing1

These are the kind of movies I love, everything is laid out in the open immediately. The mom of the geek girl gives her daughter a letter from Yale. Then there’s a quick cut to the dad of the jock boy telling his son to get a football scholarship. These characters are established as f*ck.

Okay so jock boy’s name is Woody. He looks like every male cast member of Boy Meets World combined, which is what a 90’s teen hunk should look like. Too bad this was made in 2006.

Read the rest, here!

The Best Back-to-School Products for Evangelical Christian Kids

Article on VICE about Evangelical school supplies!

The Best Back-to-School Products for Evangelical Christian Kids

What kind of prepubescent, budding young child would buy in to joining a religion that denies them from participating in masturbation, sex, pornography, curse words, and Harry Potter? Why, the kind who is into really cool pens, obviously. Turns out the evangelical game is getting so dire, that the righteous must resort to beginner-level magic tricks in order to get young ones to ask, who the hell is this Jesus guy?

Just in time for the new school year, e3 Resources—the same people who brought you the EvangeCube seen above—released a hot new line of gospel disguised as plain old school trinkets.

Here’s what I imagine is their desired scenario with these products:

The bell just rang, class is officially in session. As the students settle in, Ms. Pratt announces that there’s a pop quiz. The crowd of sixth graders groan, but give in to their impending doom. Near the back of the class Timmy asks his neighbor Geoffrey if he can borrow a pen. “Sorry, but do you mind? I left all my pens at home again. Can you believe it?”

Geoffrey looks up toward the sky and gives a knowing smile to his main man, Jesus Christ. “Sure pal, you can borrow this pen right here.”

He hands over to Timmy a seemingly normal black pen. Timmy attempts to jot down his name on the blank sheet of paper, but soon finds that the pen is too bulky and uncomfortable to actually write with. He inspects the pen further, and notices a thin tube protruding from the pen’s side. Being a curious pre-teen, he tugs on the tube and out pours a world of glorious biblical imagery.

Geoffrey pulls out a small comb from his pants pocket. As he brushes down on the two sides of his perfectly symmetrical middle part he says to Timmy, “Pretty cool right?”

Fast forward a solid ten minutes that feels like hours. Timmy has absorbed a world of knowledge. Sure, both he and Geoffrey failed the pop quiz, but they aced eternal salvation.

READ THE REST HERE!

My Interview With a Woman Who Runs a Support Group For People in Contact With Aliens

Hi! This was up on Death & Taxes recently:

JoanneWithParkes - This woman runs a support group for people contacted by aliens

This woman runs a support group for people contacted by aliens

Have you been in contact with an alien? At some point in your life has an extra-terrestrial telepathically communicated with you about its life on another planet, or better yet, its life on our planet? Have you ever made love to an alien, or become the parent of one? I’m not talking about the kind of alien your stuffy Connecticut mother calls the live-in maid when she’s mad at her for forgetting to dust the china. I’m talking about real alien shit — like “Men in Black” status. If so, there is a support group out there for you. It’s called the Anomalous Mind Management, Abductee, Contactee Helpline — or A.M.M.A.C.H. for short.

I first heard of A.M.M.A.C.H when I came across this four-hour interview on YouTube with British city council member Simon Parkes.

When 53-year-old Parkes isn’t fixing potholes in his town of Whitby, he’s hanging out with reptilian creatures and making love to an extra-terrestrial “lion queen.” His interview with the group chronicles his complete interaction with alien creatures. Highlights include:

  • His real mother is a green creature he refers to as a “mantis.” He first remembers seeing this mantis when he was six months old.
  • A reptile creature he refers to as “daddy” kicked humans out of Eden all those years ago. Daddy inhabited his mind when he was six-years-old and taught him how to have sex with a holographic woman.
  • The mother-ship of the mantis is giant and looks like a hammerhead shark.
  • He has fathered 10 lion creatures, male and female. One of the female offspring is named Zarka, but he doesn’t know all the children’s names.

Parkes recounts so much. He even includes drawings of all his memories. Joanne Summerscales, founder of A.M.M.A.C.H (photo above), sought out Parkes and provided him this platform to divulge his life story. She provides this platform for tons of other “experiencers,” and, after navigating the A.M.M.A.C.H. website, I felt a strong urge to speak with her. She agreed to go back and forth via email with me.

DaddyParkes This woman runs a support group for people contacted by aliens

Me: Is A.M.M.A.C.H. a sort of support group for those who have had extra-terrestrial experiences?

Joanne Summerscales: A.M.M.A.C.H. is essentially a resource, a point of contact for those who have had such experiences, and have nowhere to go with them. Many contact A.M.M.A.C.H. because they feel isolated or ostracized by their community or family and friends.

Me: What else does A.M.M.A.C.H. aim to achieve?

Joanne: I am looking to develop a platform for research as well from the material reported, which is of great interest. I hope that A.M.M.A.C.H. will attract scientists and serious researchers from different disciplines to look at the data and provide some analysis.

Me: Do people want their stories to be heard?

Joanne: Sometimes. It takes a lot of courage to even pick up the phone to call or write that initial email. Many people are very relieved to know that there is at least one person they know for sure who will hear them in all seriousness, and with respect for their situation.

Me: Understandable. Well, what made you take part in this group in the first place? Have you yourself been in contact with extra-terrestrial beings or abductions?

Joanne: As far as I am aware, I have not been in conscious contact with ETs or ED (“extra-dimensionals”), and I am not an abductee. I would share my story if I had one, but I do suspect there has been some kind of communication of which I am currently unconscious relating to this work, as I have a great drive to bring this material to public attention in a way is supportive and educational.

Read the rest of the article (with video embedded) here!

Compromises for the Woman Who Refuses to Shave Her Pubes

New article up on Vice. Original link here.

Shaving and/or waxing your pubes increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections, specifically, Molluscum contagiosum (which I’m pretty sure is also a Harry Potter spell) according to a study done by a French health clinic. That sort of infection isn’t really serious, though. It’s just an annoying bump or two or ten. It goes away after a while and doesn’t scar, but think of it this way: if you’re getting rid of your pubic hair for purely aesthetic reasons, doesn’t having a bunch of gross bumps defeat the purpose? 

The act of a woman removing all her pubic hair is, in my most likely correct opinion, just an effort to please men; men who consider the ideal sexual experience to be what they jerk off to when they watch porn. The “I want to come on your face, and tits, and back, and stomach all at once”-type guys.

The first time I had sex with a man in Los Angeles was uncomfortable. As soon as he saw my vagina, his eyes bulged wide open. He looked confused and a bit scared, like he just accidentally got a Gremlin wet. I’m pretty sure he whispered, “What the fuck?” He told me that he had never had sex with a woman who had her pubic hair. I immediately thought to myself, Alison you’re not in Kansas in anymore, and by Kansas, I meant Oakland. At first I was shocked by his reaction. Then I remembered that LA is the most superficial city on Earth, on top of being the porn capital of the world. Women here succumbed to waxing the same way they succumbed to wearing those stupid tube-top-towel dresses back in the early 2000s.

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People That Are Alive and Stuff

Okay so after a lot of formatting issues, and Kindle being not as ideal as I was hoping I have decided to create my “ebook” as a free PDF file for all to download and enjoy. It’s a pretty short, and hopefully fun read.

Stuff you might have already read but a lot of stuff that you probably haven’t! Most of it is parody, and introduces a new character, Beatrice Fowley.

So please download it!

(link takes you to File Dropper site where you click “download this file”)