"Figure shit out. Stop being an ass. Send me nude pics."
I have a delicate matter to discuss. You see, I’m a debonair playboy billionaire trying to give back to his community by beating the crap out of less privileged individuals who have taken to a life of crime. To aid me in this, I’ve recently taken on a young ward who tragically lost his family. We’re a great team, even though I prefer outfits that help me blend into the darkness and my ward likes to dress, well, like some kind of color blind pageboy. But our problem isn’t fashion oriented. Our problem is that people seem to be under the impression that we’re engaging in a Greek style apprenticeship. You know, the kind that involves a different sort of “hands on” tutelage.
It’s become quite embarrassing. Not because I’m homophobic (trust me, I’ve given more than my fair share to GLAAD over the years), but I already have enough issues with the law and all I need is to be placed on some kind of sex offender register. Worse, it seems to be all the media latches onto now. They don’t care about the work I’m doing to rid the streets of the mentally ill and aggressively impoverished, all they talk about is my “boy toy wonder.” Even that local journalist who’s obsessed with some kind of tiger woman blathers on about it. What can I do to make it obvious that there’s nothing going on here? And should I discuss this with the boy? Maybe encourage him to dress less…provocatively?
Billionaire in Awkward, Tricky Situation
A pretty tricky situation indeed. You know, I usually don’t care to solve the problems of spoiled billionaire one-percent-er assholes like yourself but you do fight crime and help the community and all so I guess just this once I’ll waive the “no helping rich assholes” rule. Consider yourself lucky! Oh wait, you already do! Anyways, rich boss types who take on a young, cute “assistant” or “intern” or “student to mentor” are often accused of having sexual relations with them. I believe most people think this because it is absolutely true. At least 95% of the time it is. Cause I mean seriously, what sort of creative writing professor really needs a student assistant three times a week to work with him in his office and help him “brainstorm?” It’s total bullshit! It’s really just an excuse to hit on a young, impressionable, horny college girl who idolizes older men with creative writing degrees because she doesn’t know what it means to be a real adult. On that note, Professor Marx if you’re reading this, this is not about you! ;).