No Dancing

My dating advice column is LIVE on Comics Bulletin. I give wise and sound advice to super heros and their friends. If you’ve got any questions be sure to email them!! Check out the link. Enjoy?

Preview:

Dear Alison,

I’m an ambitious female reporter with an extremely busy, chaotic life so as you can surely understand, I have trouble meeting worthwhile men. Which is why my love life has centered around a guy that even I recognize has some issues. The biggest issue is that he’s leading a double life. No, he’s not a drug dealer or criminal, quite the opposite. You see, he insists on masquerading as a socially awkward and clumsy reporter despite the fact that I know he’s really an immensely powerful alien who protects humanity on a daily basis.

Don’t get me wrong, the fact that he pretends to be two different people, while silly, is frankly a bit of a turn on. I’ve got my chaste, bookish boytoy who waits on me hand and foot and then I’ve also got my big, bulky man’s man, who could throw me halfway across the planet if he wanted to. But what bothers me is that he hides that double life by humiliating me at every turn, setting up elaborate pranks to show everyone that I’m wrong about his secret identity or otherwise “teaching me a lesson” by making a fool of me, whether it’s through complicated alien devices that turn me into, say, a pegasus or drugging me with alien rocks and plants. He’s smart, hot and famous but I’m tired of being embarrassed and manipulated. Will he ever change? Or should I DTMFA?

Yours truly,

Searching for Uncomplicated, Practical, Easy Relationship

Hey S.U.P.E.R, 

Well first of all, you mention he’s an alien? You mean like he’s Mexican or something? Make sure this guy isn’t just using you for a green card! If you’re pretty sure that’s not the case, then let me say double lives can be totally hot. I was dating this guy once who had a multiple personality disorder. He was a lot like your man in the sense that one minute he was Tim, the quiet librarian, then the next he was Marty, an ex-boxing champ from Illinois who killed a firefighter once for staring at him funny. His third personality was Jerry, a zombie firefighter who had a lazy eye. Sure it was confusing, but also exciting. It was like dating three men at the same time! That’s exactly what’s going on with you. You’re dating two men, in one body. It’s hard to dump a guy who’s got fame, looks, and the ability to transform you into mythical creatures but the whole public humiliation thing is so not worth it. Have you tried talking to him about it? Have you told him he is being a selfish dick for not letting you expose his secret identity? I mean you do have your own career to think about after all! 

Listen, men hardly ever change. If men were a diaper they would be completely covered in shit and piss for years. Do you really feel like you can change this guys stinky, diarrhea filled personality? From my experience, the answer is no. I say dump his ass, and maybe hit up some mental wards or psychiatrist offices and pick up a man with more personalities and less baggage!