No Dancing

Dewan Gibson over at Imperfect Enjoyment let me guest post again. Check out original link here. Also, read his blog - it’s really funny!

Matt Was My First Crush, My Dildo Was My First Love

Courtesy of Alison Stevenson: Writer/Comedian From NoDancing.Tumblr.Com

I was twelve years old. My parents made the mistake of letting me have a TV in my room and I couldn’t fall asleep. That’s when I first learned that HBO’s late night programming was a lot different than Nickelodeon’s late night programming. Instead of Nick at Nite I got Taxi Cab Confessions. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the tale of my first masturbatory experience. Full of confusion, self-consciousness, and fear. Looking back, it was a lot like when I had sex for the first time, except no alcohol was involved and I could remember my own name the next morning.

I had a feeling what I was watching was this “sex” thing people whispered around me, but was not absolutely sure. I was sure however that it was making me feel strange things. Weird tingling sensations. Seeing all those breasts, penises, vaginas, mouths, and tongues, collide like that-all at once put me in this mood that I could not describe. “That’s weird,” I thought to myself, “why is my vagina suddenly itchy?” And down my hand went, scratching the best itch I had ever had in my life.

Masturbation is weird. Especially if it’s your first time, and you don’t know what the hell an orgasm even is. I thought my first orgasm was a freakish mistake. Like I had scratched my vagina too hard, and now broke it. A rush of thoughts came to my head. “Has anyone else ever had this happen to them? Should I tell my mom about this so she can take me to the doctor? What if this is some disease that is going to spread all over my body? Well, at least this isn’t a horrible way to go.”

Luckily I didn’t tell my mom about what I did. Instead I lived in fear of my vagina until a few weeks later, when everything started making sense. It was in English class. Behind me sat this annoying kid named David, and to my left was the love of my life, Matt. Matt was my middle school crush. All three years of middle school. I thought he was the coolest guy in the world. He wore the same Misfits shirt every day of the week, and looked like the lead singer of Sum 41. What twelve year old girl in the year 2002 wouldn’t fall in love with him?

So what happened was, David was making fun of me. Now I realize that it’s because he probably had a huge crush on me, but at the time I assumed it was because he was a dumb bully who didn’t like me because I was one of those kids that spent their lunch break hanging out in the school library.

Regardless, David was a shithead. However, in his shitty-headedness something highly embarrassing yet extremely necessary for the overall betterment of my well-being happened. David called me a “dildo”. I remember hearing the word, seeing Matt, the love of my life, chuckle and my face turn bright red. I had no idea what a dildo was, and assumed he meant to call me “dodo”. My retort to him, “Shut up! I’m not a dumb extinct bird!” At this point, David and Matt laughed even harder. My face was redder. David shrieked, “oh my god, you don’t know what a dildo is?” I was so confused. I didn’t know what to say so I just ignored him the rest of class. I couldn’t even look at Matt. They kept trying to get me to admit I had no idea what a dildo was but I just froze, speechless. That’s what I do when faced with fear. I become an awkward statue. No one should ever leave me alone in the woods with a bear.

When I got home that day I asked Jeeves what the hell a dildo was. “David insulted me by calling me a what? What the hell is a sex toy? Masturbation? That’s what I did? That awesome feeling at the end is called an orgasm? Holy shit!” Everything made sense at that moment. I was so relieved to know I wasn’t dying, and that this was a thing people did. A lot of people.

David, believe it or not you helped me discover a fun new hobby, and more importantly I was now stress free and happy about it all. If it wasn’t for your idiotic bullying I probably would have gone on thinking my vagina was permanently damaged and my life, nearly over. And it’s all because you called me a dildo. Thanks David. Oh and also, fuck you David.