Brittney Kelly’s Guide to Scoring the Girl!
Brittney really wanted to guest post again…
Hey fellas, this one is for you! I received some requests asking for advice on how guys can get & keep a lady. Also, i’m totes plugging myself right now, I got to be on a podcast thingy recently. You should listen to it here (episode 2). Now, onto the article.
ballin! hehe
Step 1: Get Her Drunk
Alcohol is the key to a girl’s heart (vagina). I tell the ladies that being drunk is a great way to open their minds, and their legs! Guys, you be as sober as possible. Maybe have a beer or two, but make sure only she is smashed. This is important cause somehow you two have to get to your place. Her judgement is allowed to be clouded cause well, her judgement doesn’t matter! Also, if you’re an ugly guy then make sure to buy her drinks for her. It’s the only reason girls talk to ugly guys at bars.
Step 2: When Flirting, Only Talk About Yourself
Confidence fellas! Girls love it when guys talk about their jobs, especially if they’re high paying ones ;). We’re not as interesting as you, so make sure you completely take over the conversation. It’s also important to assume that we don’t understand half the things you mention. Like, if you talk about some technology thingy or historical incident or whatever we’ll just be like, “whaaaat?” and expect you to explain in a lot of detail.
Step 3: When Having Sex, Put Your Finger Up Her Butt!
It’s the sex equivalent to buying her a box of chocolates. Oh my god, I can’t say “box of chocolates” without thinking of that Forrest Gump movie haha. Tom Hanks was sooo ugly in that, gross!!!
Step 4: Don’t Be Nice to Her!
Girls love bad boys. Also, we treat dating like a game. It’s in our generics (is that the right word for it?). So when you don’t call us for a few days, or never text us back we are all like, “this is awesome”. Act like you don’t care about us and we’re always just trying harder and harder to win your affection. It’s like a cat and mouse thingy. Totally get why girls love cats so much now, don’t you? Lol. If you’re always nice to her she’s going to think you’re less of a man, or worse, you’ll just be that guy friend she keeps around to tell her she’s pretty and give her rides to her waxing appointments.
Step 5: BE RICH!!
I tell the ladies they have to be attractive, which is a good note for you guys too! But that’s more important for women obviously. Men can get away with being totes ugly if they have a lot of money. Being rich will make you happier, and women will want to have sex with you all the time. If you’re not rich, then that sucks. Oh man, I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I was poor or something. Sad :’(
Honestly though, saying you don’t have money cause your family isn’t rich or your line of work doesn’t pay so much is just a stupid excuse that lazy people say because they’re lazy and probably ugly.
Okay guys, that’s all for now. I’ll be back with more fun and sexy advice ;) ;) ;) Keep reading Alison’s posts for now. Even though they’re totally weird and dorky.
