Wacky Smith Family Blog Post (Published on Forty Ounce Bachelors)

I’m in the November issue of electro-literary magazine Forty Ounce Bachelors. I’ve read the other issues for this month and must say I was very impressed. Especially the article about Robert Kirkman as “Chunk of the Month”. Go read!

Here is what I wrote. It’s a fictional blog post from a delusional housewife named Martha Smith. Enjoy!

The Wacky Smith Family Blog

Thursday July 7, 2011:

MY FIRST POST!!! YAY!!!!

Hello friends and readers! It’s me Martha, welcome to my first blog post! This is quite exciting. Really, this blog is about the adventures and wild times my family and I have. My husband Jonathan is an insurance salesman. I have two twin girls, Abby who is 15 years old and Veronica who is…well, 15 as well LOL. However, today’s post is truly dedicated to my son, Jacob!

Hey Jakey,

WELCOME HOME! :) :) :) :)

That’s right, he is finally back from three long and tumultuous years away! As soon as he came home, my husband and I embraced him and I must admit, I cried. I missed him so much and was so worried he was caught by police! But luckily he’s been able to escape the police all this time and he even brought back sombreros from where he was living this whole time, Canada!

Jakey had a few run-ins with police back when he was 19. Yes, I will admit he did steal and often was in possession of a gun. Sure, he harmed random civilians and mugged helpless older women, but I mean really don’t the police have better things to do than waste their time chasing down my poor son? I mean there are real criminals out there, in the ghetto! Leave my boy alone, he only wants to feed his cocaine habit (why is that stuff so expensive, I mean it’s just powder right? LOL)

Regardless, like any upright American citizen Jake refused to stay in jail for a whole month (which was his sentence) so he escaped…he’s always been a sneaky boy I tell you. He told me how miserable it was in those prison cells. Everyone there was mean to him and tried brainwashing him. They had the nerve to tell him he was lucky to only be there for a month. One man even said that if he had Jacob’s “honky ass” (the young people come up with the craziest slang) he wouldn’t even be in jail at all (his crime was smoking marijuana in public-shame!) Yet Jake being the good boy he is did not stand for any of the prison mate’s nonsense. He knew he had to get out of there before they tried brainwashing him further into the apparent “luxury of prison life”.

But now, three years have gone by and I tell you the boy has not changed one bit! As soon as he arrived he greeted us by saying “what’s up you fucking bitches?” and then he gave his father a big old hug (I thought he was crying from the joyous occasion but turns out that teardrop was a tattoo). While hugging dad he managed to take forty dollars out of his wallet. Boys will be boys, am I right?

So now that he is back I am sending him straight to work! I mean I do got a lawn that needs mowing, and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches that need to be consumed LOL.

That’s all for today, but don’t you worry there is more to come from the wacky Smith family!

EDIT: First Post continued!!

Sorry folks, I thought I was done for the day, but I have to get this off my chest before I sleep tonight…

So turns out my daughter Veronica is proving to be a difficult child. Though she is very smart, her appearance is frightening. She only wears black clothing and her make up is black as well. She plays her music loudly and most of the lyrics talk about death and the devil. She even has a poster in her room that says HAIL SATAN, can you believe it? My own daughter, a freak! Now, I know this is just some sort of stage she’s going through. It definitely bothers her that her sister Abby is clearly prettier and more popular. The whole family knows this and tells Veronica frequently that she is nowhere near as beautiful as her twin Abby, but for some reason Veronica fails to do anything about it. It’s as if she doesn’t even care what we think.

Today she came home from school with one of her art projects she got back from her art teacher. It was a large picture of my face and in thick bold letters it said “IGNORANT DICTATOR”.

Now this worries me very much. How could she do this? She purposely chose a horrible picture of me from when I was sick with the flu. My hair was greasy and unkept, and my nose runny. I was not even smiling in the picture (which I clearly did not want to be taken!) Now her whole class thinks I look like that. I have a feeling this was intentional and it really hurts my feelings. Honestly, I thought I threw it away.

What to do now? Do I punish Veronica or just ignore this? I know from my own school days that the best way to deal with bullies is by ignoring them until they leave you alone. Is this what I must do with Veronica? Ignore her until it feels like she is not even there? This is probably the best option, because I know if I punished her she would just want to retaliate, and perhaps show even more embarrassing pictures of me which believe it or not, do exist LOL.

On the plus side, Veronica does not have many friends so really it’s Abby’s friends I would be more worried about. I like to consider myself a fun, hip mom and I don’t want Abby’s friends to stop coming over because they think I am weird. Abby’s friends are popular, and I don’t want to ruin Abby’s reputation at school even if it really is her sister Veronica that is sabotaging her.

Ughhhh being a mom is quite difficult but now I know what I must do. I have to go through all the photo albums and get rid of the ones where I look bad LOL

Till I write again!