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Kryptonite Got You Down? #3-
"Even Non-Humans Hunger for Lovin’…Ask Mario Lopez.
I’ma sexy ass bitch who knows what she wants and knows how to get it. I just go up to bros and say “Yo, you wants to have sex with me?”And then BAM! They do! Works every time! ButI don’t remember none of thems names.
This one guy with this sweet lil’ soul patch, he even knows some of them boos I be with before. He straight up list off a roll call of poles I been on and I don’t remember a one. Should I feel bad about that shit?
SexyTamaranean Against Remembering
Well, first off I have to say that I love your take charge attitude. Not enough women take advantage of the fact that they can make the first move when it comes to sex and more importantly that it’s not wrong to have a sexual appetite. I mean come on, it is the 21st century, and it will be for a while i’m pretty sure. We are living in an age where gender norms are being redefined and DVDs are realesed in Blu-ray. This is exactly what our ancestors dreamed of! After all, it is called a libido not a libidon’t! With that, I must say that the whole memory loss thing is taking me for a loop. I mean, I lose my memory a lot when getting crunk (industry term) but it seems to me your memory loss is not of the alcohol variety. Are you perhaps choosing not to remember these men? Repressing the memory of them because deep down you don’t like what you’re doing? Or maybe they’re ugly?
Ugh a soul patch, really? Let me fill you in on something. Do you know why soul patches exist? Because God is a lie and exisistence is futile. That’s why. I would never, ever trust anyone with a soul patch. I wouldn’t even let him do soul-patchy things to me like make me an espresso drink or give me free salsa lessons. So naturally, my first reaction is that this guy is a creep. Plain and simple. You know, like he wants to jump your bones so bad and is perhaps even madly in love with you but you refuse to reciprocate these feelings so now he stalks you at all hours to watch you bone these other dudes and maybe that’s the only thing that gets him off now other than pictures of Dave Matthews.
In his defense though, it might be a good thing that he has these names for you at hand. Not being able to remember any of them at all is super weird. Maybe he’s like your personal Memento, which is good cause you don’t want a bunch of dude’s names tattoed all over your body. This guy could be your skeazy guardian angel for what it’s worth. I say take advantage. You shouldn’t feel bad necessarily but you should maybe go to a therapist, or doctor or something and get your brain checked out. Until then, let the creepy dude - regardless of his soul patch - watch over your activity. You never know when you’re going to get knocked up, or get herpes, or something.
2.) I am currently in Los Angeles doing some stand up shows, including one that I organized myself featuring a mix of San Francisco comedians and Los Angeles comedians. If you are in the area, please attend! Public facebook event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/369019786493759/
Hello Mr. Bieber!!! It is so wonderful to actually write to you. I keep thinking of things I should say to you in my head but I never actually write them down. Nervous maybe?? I don’t know. I do know that I am a big fan though! LOL!!
Anyways, my wonderful and darling daughter Abby and her twin sister Veronica are having a birthday soon. They will be turning 16 and 16 respectively. Abby is a lot of fun and is very popular in school. She’s got boys calling her all the time, and girls are jealous of her. Even I am sometimes, I must admit! Often times when I am reading her Facebook (it’s a social media site the kids are really into, friend me if you have one) I’ll see a lot of her friends write things like “Abby, Queen of Handys”. You kids have crazy lingo these days, but I am pretty sure this means that her friends often applaud her with their hands when they see her walking down the hall or run into her at the mall because she is so beautiful and popular.
The other girl, Veronica…well she is more of a weirdo. A total freak really. I don’t know how she came out of my body, I’m a total normal! It’s so odd how God works. He must be punishing me for some reason. Honestly, she is more my husband’s daughter than mine. I focused much more on Abby when they were children mainly because I could sense the potential in her versus Veronica. At a young age, Veronica took a liking to loud screamy music (ick) and never wanted to wear pretty clothes like Abby did. I knew then she would be a lost cause, but only two more years till she can leave the house!
Anyways, I am writing to you because I know what an amazing performer you are. I personally, have watched Never Say Never over twenty times…so far! LOL We have it in the house and I am sure Abby has watched it more times than I have!!! Every time I mention you she says you are “tween shit” and as a cool, hip mom I know that these days to be “shit” is a good thing. Like how Abby calls herself “hot shit” and how Veronica calls me “the shittiest person to ever exist” (she tries to win me over, but her tone never makes it feel genuine).
Abby tries to be modest, but I can tell that she really loves everything you do. I know for a fact she fantasizes about you often. She often finds herself imagining what it would be like to trim your silken brown hair so your bangs don’t get in your eyes, or to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while you rehearse your next great masterpiece, or even to have you dedicate a Grammy to her thanking her for all her love and support, claiming she was a lot like your mother. In fact, better than your mother. You know, standard teenager type desires.
With all this in mind, I would like to invite you to Abby’s big Sweet Sixteen party. We’re throwing her a huge bash in a country club with a DJ, food, and even fake mixed drinks made from this non-alchoholic synthetic vodka Abby recommended herself called Popov. Abby and her friends are very excited. She keeps saying it is going to be the “party of the year” and her friends are already flooding her Facebook with excited wall posts!!! What would truly make it special however is if YOU could show up. You have no idea how much it would mean to Abby to have her hero there. If you could just be there for ten minutes, to sing her Happy Birthday in falsetto and have a slice of cake with her mom. It would truly mean the whole world to her and in turn, it would mean the world to me.
If you’re worried about Veronica, don’t be! This shindig is solely for Abby! Veronica did not want a party. Shocker, right? LOL No instead we gave Veronica $20 and told her she could do whatever she wanted that night! As long as she promised not to ruin Abby’s evening, which trust me if she could she totally would because she is a horrible bully like that. I think Veronica is taking the evening to spend in her room and make more of her weird art things.
So with all this being said, you could help make a girl go from happy to happiest by just being present at her huge celebration for even a short while. I have a feeling once you’re there you won’t want to leave! Me and Abby are very charming, me especially! LOL! I would be the happiest mother in the world if you could do just this one thing for us! I know you are a busy and wonderfully talented man but if you happen to have room in your schedule, please consider the visiting the Smith family!!!