Hey! New issue of my column, Kryptonite Got You Down is up! Here’s a preview, click on the link to read the other questions and answers.
Boy oh boy, do I have ex troubles! When we started out, I thought we were perfect for each other. He was my Pygmalion — he helped me develop my talents, made me the woman I am, and even helped me get a job! It took a while for me to win him over, but eventually I netted him. We were the bee to each other’s flower. Sure, we bickered, but all that heat translated to some high quality smanging. But as soon as we started working together, things really hit the fan.
I knew it was going seriously wrong when he started doing some “experimenting” and basically lost his mind! He became verbally and physically abusive, to me and to our coworkers. He said all kinds of things about chemicals and identity disorders, but I knew better than to stay with someone who treated me like an insect. So I left him.
Well long story short, he’s apparently “recovered” and lately he’s been buzzing around saying he wants to be “friends.” And I have to admit, as much as I know I deserve better, I’m like a moth to the flame with this guy! So my question is, do I take him — and our friends’ — word that he’s gotten better and that he’s ready to be a friend to me? I mean I’m not as young as I was, maybe it’s time to start building that nest… Or do I quit the job I love, ditch our super friends, and start a new life far away from him, maybe on the West Coast?
Help! I need your advice! This whole situation is driving me positively buggy. Signed, A Very Edgy, Nervous Girl, Enduring Real Shit!
Hey Edgy, Nervous Girl…
I hate bugs. Seriously, the worst. Especially wasps, and ants but even ladybugs and butterflies. Fucking butterflies, think they’re all hot or whatever cause they got colorful wings. Shit’s lame. Wings are for birds and Red Bull commercials, asshats! So what I am trying to say is that I am going to be extremely biased in my evaluation of you and your bugman.
When a woman’s got a boyfriend that’s “experimenting,” it almost never turns out well for the girlfriend. Four of my ex-boyfriends discovered through experimentation that they were actually gay, which is cool for them but I was pretty heart broken for like close to three hours each time.
Science experimenting, that’s totally different. I never hung out with science guys (they’re so lame). Once, I thought I went on a date with a scientist but turns out he was a Scientologist, or in other words, a closet gay.
So your guy, he went crazy due to these experiments…was it like Hannibal Lecter crazy (hot) or like Gary Busey crazy (not hot)? Distinguishing the crazy is important. I mean don’t get me wrong, you totally did the right thing in leaving him. Being abusive in any way is a big no-no but if his craziness was kind of hot then I totally see where you’re coming from on that attraction still being there, especially if he claims to be recovered.
I say, hold off on getting back with this bugaboo until you are absolutely sure you have no other options left. Love is all about settling and compromise. The older you get the easier it is to find love in this sense. Don’t leave everything you have cause of him. You obviously like what you’re doing and moving to the west coast will be filled with disappointment, smog, and vegan ice cream that gives you bad gas.
My dating advice column is LIVE on Comics Bulletin. I give wise and sound advice to super heros and their friends. If you’ve got any questions be sure to email them!! Check out the link. Enjoy?
I’m an ambitious female reporter with an extremely busy, chaotic life so as you can surely understand, I have trouble meeting worthwhile men. Which is why my love life has centered around a guy that even I recognize has some issues. The biggest issue is that he’s leading a double life. No, he’s not a drug dealer or criminal, quite the opposite. You see, he insists on masquerading as a socially awkward and clumsy reporter despite the fact that I know he’s really an immensely powerful alien who protects humanity on a daily basis.
Don’t get me wrong, the fact that he pretends to be two different people, while silly, is frankly a bit of a turn on. I’ve got my chaste, bookish boytoy who waits on me hand and foot and then I’ve also got my big, bulky man’s man, who could throw me halfway across the planet if he wanted to. But what bothers me is that he hides that double life by humiliating me at every turn, setting up elaborate pranks to show everyone that I’m wrong about his secret identity or otherwise “teaching me a lesson” by making a fool of me, whether it’s through complicated alien devices that turn me into, say, a pegasus or drugging me with alien rocks and plants. He’s smart, hot and famous but I’m tired of being embarrassed and manipulated. Will he ever change? Or should I DTMFA?
Searching for Uncomplicated, Practical, Easy Relationship
Well first of all, you mention he’s an alien? You mean like he’s Mexican or something? Make sure this guy isn’t just using you for a green card! If you’re pretty sure that’s not the case, then let me say double lives can be totally hot. I was dating this guy once who had a multiple personality disorder. He was a lot like your man in the sense that one minute he was Tim, the quiet librarian, then the next he was Marty, an ex-boxing champ from Illinois who killed a firefighter once for staring at him funny. His third personality was Jerry, a zombie firefighter who had a lazy eye. Sure it was confusing, but also exciting. It was like dating three men at the same time! That’s exactly what’s going on with you. You’re dating two men, in one body. It’s hard to dump a guy who’s got fame, looks, and the ability to transform you into mythical creatures but the whole public humiliation thing is so not worth it. Have you tried talking to him about it? Have you told him he is being a selfish dick for not letting you expose his secret identity? I mean you do have your own career to think about after all!
Listen, men hardly ever change. If men were a diaper they would be completely covered in shit and piss for years. Do you really feel like you can change this guys stinky, diarrhea filled personality? From my experience, the answer is no. I say dump his ass, and maybe hit up some mental wards or psychiatrist offices and pick up a man with more personalities and less baggage!