Tips On How To Properly Celebrate International Masturbation Month

New piece up on Vice about how to properly celebrate International Masturbation Month. 

The whole month of May is International Masturbation Month. It’s a month devoted entirely to the celebration of self-love. Masturbation is definitely one of my favorite activities other than eating and crying. At first I couldn’t help but wonder, what’s the point of having an International Masturbation Month? I mean really, it’s not like masturbation has any huge historical or political significance. It’s just something you do while you’re lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, or while taking a shower, or while watching the 1994 hit film Airheads. Then I readthis text about how to “cure” yourself from masturbation attributed to Mark E. Petersen of the Church of Latter Day Saints. It’s called “Steps in Overcoming Masturbation” and gives in depth advice on how to overcome its evil and impurity. I got to admit there are some pretty clever tips in here like: wear complicated pajamas, pray constantly, leave the door open when you shower, stop being friends with people who masturbate, eat food every time you want to jerk off, never be alone, never feel lonely or sad, associate masturbation with bathing in a tub filled with worms, etc… Clearly, wacking it has its enemies.

The San Francisco based sex shop Good Vibrations started Masturbation Month in 1995, in response to the firing of then-Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders who suggested masturbation be included in youth sex education programs. “We were astounded. It was one of the most sensible things we’d ever heard a government official say—and it cost Elders her job!” They also write,  “Of all the kinds of sex people can have, masturbation is the most universal and important, yet few people talk about it freely. Worse, many people still feel it is “second best” or problematic in some way. Masturbation Month lets us emphasize how great it is. it’s natural, common, and fun!”

Read the rest of the article here!

New Weekly Comedy Show From West Coast Writers of Vice

HEY SUPER EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT. READY?

A few of us Vice writers who happen to also be stand up comedians are starting a weekly comedy show at Los Globos in Silverlake!

Our debut will be on May 22 at 9pm. Our headliners are Kyle Kinane and Neil Hamburger!

PRETTY FUCKING COOL IF YOU ASK ME.

please come.

you can get tickets online!

My Newest Piece For Vice Is About Juggling

Combat Juggling is a real sport started by juggling prodigy Jason Garfield. Unlike the cartoon cat, this Garfield isn’t a lazy boy at all. According to the World Juggling Federation, he entered the juggling industry when he was 11, having mastered “the juggling of ten balls, ten rings, and seven clubs.” So what do you do after that? Try and juggle more balls, rings, and clubs until you are nothing but a gyrating mass of balls, rings, and clubs? No, that would be pointless.

Instead, you create a competition between other jugglers wherein they battle each other for juggling supremacy. That is exactly what Garfield did, and thank the lord for it. The man revolutionized juggling as we know it, turning it into a competitive contact sport. In 2011, the World Juggling Federation produced the first ever live juggling competition on ESPN3. I guess ESPN was busy airing some stupid football game, and the bozos over at ESPN2 think poker is more of a sport worth watching. But ESPN3 took the bait, and soon, the rest of the world will. It’s only a matter of time.

CLICK HERE TO READ REST OF ARTICLE

Fake Celebrity Kickstarters

Compromises for the Woman Who Refuses to Shave Her Pubes

New article up on Vice. Original link here.

Shaving and/or waxing your pubes increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections, specifically, Molluscum contagiosum (which I’m pretty sure is also a Harry Potter spell) according to a study done by a French health clinic. That sort of infection isn’t really serious, though. It’s just an annoying bump or two or ten. It goes away after a while and doesn’t scar, but think of it this way: if you’re getting rid of your pubic hair for purely aesthetic reasons, doesn’t having a bunch of gross bumps defeat the purpose? 

The act of a woman removing all her pubic hair is, in my most likely correct opinion, just an effort to please men; men who consider the ideal sexual experience to be what they jerk off to when they watch porn. The “I want to come on your face, and tits, and back, and stomach all at once”-type guys.

The first time I had sex with a man in Los Angeles was uncomfortable. As soon as he saw my vagina, his eyes bulged wide open. He looked confused and a bit scared, like he just accidentally got a Gremlin wet. I’m pretty sure he whispered, “What the fuck?” He told me that he had never had sex with a woman who had her pubic hair. I immediately thought to myself, Alison you’re not in Kansas in anymore, and by Kansas, I meant Oakland. At first I was shocked by his reaction. Then I remembered that LA is the most superficial city on Earth, on top of being the porn capital of the world. Women here succumbed to waxing the same way they succumbed to wearing those stupid tube-top-towel dresses back in the early 2000s.

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I wrote a SATIRICAL Article About Rick Ross For Vice Magazine

Rick Ross: The Most Misinterpreted Man in Music

http://www.vice.com/read/rick-ross-the-most-misinterpreted-man-in-music

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Matthew McConaughey & Keanu Reeves Erotic Fan Fiction up on Filmdrunk!

Hi! Today my piece was put up on Filmdrunk. It’s a love story about my two favorite Hollywood hunks meeting at a park and falling in love.

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New Article About How Relationships Can Suck Up On Heeb!

Hi! This is something I wrote recently. Have fun with it maybe, I don’t know. Bye. Love you. Bye.

DIRECT LINK!!!

As a single woman, I find it helps me to think of all the negative things about relationships. Just the whole point of them in general, all the time and patience they require. A lot of it can be pretty dumb. Not like frisbee golf dumb, but close. It’s a healthy exercise (claim not supported by any scientific evidence). I just curl up with a tiny bottle of whiskey, ignore my mom’s voicemail messages to join JDate, and list all the cons. This is some of what I came up with:

I Have To Learn Stuff About That Person. A lot of Stuff.

This is a constant thing that happens from the start to the finish of a relationship. As soon as me and this person lock eyes and decide on being romantic with one another we both instantly feel like we need to know every single thing about each other. Thus ensues a cheesy, boring, and cliché onslaught of cutesy romantic crap like talking on the phone till 3am or staying in bed together for a whole day and bonding over all the ways we think we might die. On top of that, in order to be a good boyfriend or girlfriend you’ve got to really internalize these things too.
You have to know their favorite movies, favorite music, certain food allergies, why the went to prison, why they were in a mental hospital for six months, etc. All for the sake of intimacy. What’s the reward? They feel comfortable farting around you, and asking you to pop their butt pimples. Cool. Awesome. Great.
Then what happens when you eventually break up? You have to forget all that information. Now all that stuff you learned is useless. You can’t forget it though. It just swarms in your head taking up valuable brain space, which sucks ‘cuz it’s hardly ever useful information either. You’re never going to need to know any of this stuff in say, a life or death situation or if you’re a contestant of Jeopardy. No, you’re just stuck for the rest of your life knowing that Shawn is convinced all Jewish girls get turned on by Neil Diamond songs (only partly true), and that Zach has a weird armpit fetish.

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