Yet another edition of my column, RUM & ROM-COMS. You know, the one where I get drunk, watch a romantic comedy, and descent quickly into madness. Here it is in full. Original link here:
This Rum and Rom-Coms is dedicated to one of the 84 stars of the Expendables 3 film, Mel Gibson. That’s right, sugar tits himself. Way back in the year 2000, Gibson starred in What Women Want, a film that should have taught him no woman ever wants to be referred to as sugar tits. Then again, I haven’t seen this movie in at least ten years, so I could be wrong. I have half a bottle of Jim Beam in my freezer, as well as some tequila. Tonight is going to get weird. I pour some of the whiskey in my glass and get started.
The film starts off with croony Frank Sinatra music playing. Some women are talking about what it means to be a man’s man. Hint: Mel Gibson is the ultimate man’s man. His character’s name is Nick Marshall. How alpha! He works in advertising, which for some reason is always the job of a man’s man in these kinds of movies. This is even before “Mad Men”. What is so manly about advertising? I envision the ultimate man’s man would be a professional lumberjack. He’d still work in the city and have an office in a high-rise building, but all he does all day is chop tree trunks while wearing a suit made of flannel. He also faxes his beard hair, and fights the office bear when on his break. Actually, this might already be an Old Spice commercial.
Nick Marshall’s back story is that he was raised in Vegas, his mother was a showgirl, and he had no father figure except for a sleazy looking Italian mobster guy who counts money and slaps his mom’s ass. This is supposed to explain why he is a complete jerk to women today. Now it cuts to Nick Marshall as an adult. He wakes up alone in bed, with a perfect lipstick kiss on his cheek. This must mean that Mel Gibson had sex last night, with a woman who only kissed him once the whole time they were boning, and it was on his cheek. Sounds like friend zone sex to me!
His maid has to wake him up and he slaps her ass and calls her babe. She’s not even hot. What a man! Next we see him in a coffee shop, and he purposely bumps into a woman, making her spill coffee on her shirt so he can clean it up with a napkin and grab her boob. Nick Marshall is essentially a 15-year-old boy’s image of a man’s man. He now tries to get Marisa Tomei (who works at the coffee shop) to go out on a date with him. She refuses, making Nick Marshall go crazy! She plays a struggling actress, which let’s face it, doesn’t sound too far off from actual Marisa Tomei. Damn, why did I say that? I love Marisa Tomei. Sorry, I’m just negging. Perhaps if I keep insulting her throughout this film, I will get to have sex with her.
Now Nick Marshall is at work, as he walks to his office he tells a chubby woman not to eat a pastry, and then tells a hacky blowjob joke to another female coworker. His boss is a fellow douchebag played by Alan Alda. Why would anyone make Alan Alda play a misogynist prick? This movie is making me angry. Oh, and I also finished my whiskey and am taking a shot of tequila because why the hell not? Moving on, Nick thought he was sure to get promoted to creative director, but Alda is all like, “Sorry Nick but turns out women buy stuff so we need a woman to be in charge so she can get women to buy stuff.” Nick is mad, and then goes to his ex-wife’s wedding. Turns out he has a daughter, yikes!
The new boss is Helen Hunt. She gives everyone in the office a box of girly products that they need to come up with ads for. Nick Marshall is very against this. When he goes home that night, he gets wine drunk while listening to Frank Sinatra. He puts on a fedora and starts dancing with a hat rack. He is the poster boy for Men’s Rights Activists everywhere right now. I need whiskey again. I have poured my second glass, and also a tequila shot for later.
Okay, so now Mel Gibson literally says “I gotta think like a broad”, and starts using all the products in the girly box. He has nail polish on, is putting hair stuff in his hair, and plays his daughter’s Meredith Brooks CD. “I’m a Bitch” plays as he puts on tights. Suddenly, Nick Marshall is more of a woman than I will ever be. He even waxes his leg, and put his nail polish on perfectly. I can’t remember the last time I shaved my legs. Things are starting to look like a rainforest below my waist. With its own ecosystem and everything. You might think this is disgusting, but California is going through yet another drought and I need to do my part to conserve as much water and energy as I can. My love of the environment should be turning you on right now. If not, you’re a monster. So with that, I will take a tequila shot. Not to go on a rant right now, and I might have said this before, but no man has ever not had sex with me because of my leg hair. It’s impossible to stop once two bodies have reached full horny levels.
Back to the movie. Nick’s daughter comes home with her boyfriend, and both find Nick wearing tights and a bra in the middle of the bathroom. How hilariously embarrassing. He uses the old, “I’m conducting research” excuse, which has never been believable ever. By the way, the boyfriend looks like an extra from the movie Kids. Hot. When they leave, Nick accidentally electrocutes himself when he falls in the tub while the hair dryer is on. When he wakes up in the morning, he can suddenly hear women’s thoughts. WHAA?????
Nick Marshall can read women’s minds, and it first it drives him bonkers. That overweight woman, he finds out, thinks he’s an asshole for telling him not to eat food. Whoddathunk? The lady who heard that blowjob joke, she thinks he’s a pervert. Shocking! All this brutal honesty is unbearable, so he tries to reverse the curse by re-electrocuting himself the same way he first got electrocuted. Smart guy. Shouldn’t he be dead by now?