and most recently…
Cuddle up by a fire with your main squeeze, sip on some sherry, and enjoy all three.
and most recently…
Cuddle up by a fire with your main squeeze, sip on some sherry, and enjoy all three.
On the outside, the McDonald’s in Laguna Nigel, California looks like every other store in the chain. There’s sad white walls, three kids running in circles while their parents beg them to stuff more fries into their faces, and the prominent golden arches luring you inside to get your weekly grease injection. Upon further inspection, this McDonald’s was like no McDonald’s I had ever been to, because it’s the tester restaurant for their new build-your-own-burger gimmick.
My first thought was “damn, this place is clean.” It was clean, you guys. The counter was shiny, and the walls were painted with stripes to look futuristic and European. What shocked me the most, however, was the sheer friendliness of the employees. Three teenaged girls in white button-up shirts greeted me instantly with big smiles. “Welcome to McDonald’s!” They were like the Stepford Wives, but a fast-food employee version.
This McDonald’s is the McDonald’s of the future. I’m not saying that just because it’s really clean and people are happy. I’m saying that because this McDonald’s has iPads! What do these iPads do? They are the tool with which you customize your burger order. With this magic iPad, you’re able to order such exotic menu items as an “artisan roll,” and “guacamole.” Yeah you heard me, a McDonald’s that serves guacamole. Welcome to the 21st century, fuckers. Obviously, little things like “clean dining areas,” “friendly service,” and “freedom of choice” are not features that can be rolled out to every McDonald’s all at once. No, those things have to be “tested,” and Laguna Nigel is the only place where you can enjoy the aforementioned amenities.
As I alluded to earlier, we were instantly greeted by a happy McWorkerBot who was eager to show us their new iPads. She then handed me a tiny menu that said “Build Your Burger” on the front. I didn’t want to read no dumb menu, so I headed straight to the iPad and started ordering. As I looked at the screen, the McWorkerBot stood directly behind me. She had her own little computer wrapped around her hips. Every time I marked something down, she would mark something down on her computer. I asked, “What are you doing?”
“I have to write down your order.”
“Isn’t that what I’m doing with the iPad?”
“Yeah, but I have to mark it down here too so it can get to the kitchen.”
“Okay…so what’s the point of ordering off the iPad if you have to take down the order anyways?”
New piece on VICE. I went to a financial domination workshop in Downtown LA. Read the full piece here.
Seva, the woman who taught the financial domination class. And a random piece of BDSM equipment she had.
Last week, I went to a financial domination class in Downtown Los Angeles, hoping to learn valuable lessons on how to empower myself. After years of getting screwed over by the Man, I was ready to screw the Man myself. The class was at a place called the Den of Inequity, which is a BDSM club that also puts together workshops.
Financial domination, for the uninitiated, is a fetish where people (usually submissive men) pay money to a dominant female without any hope of sexual intercourse. The sheer thrill of being taken advantage of is enough to turn on the submissive male.
Most of the Den of Inequity’s workshops are on things like “cock and ball torture” and “whipping.” But, as a poor person with an amateur interest in verbally abusing people, I figured I’d go learn about financial domination. I go on drunken rants where I insult men all the time. Why, just the other night I sent a drunk text to my ex saying that we’d probably still be together if his dick was as big as his ego. So if I can make a few dollars doing what I love, why not?
The lecture was about to start, and only eight of us were in attendance. For such a small group, we ranged greatly in age, ethnicity, and level of experience. Our instructor, a woman named Seva, asked us to introduce ourselves briefly.
The two other BDSM-workshop first-timers in attendance didn’t mention that 50 Shades of Grey had brought them there, but I got the feeling it had. Amazingly, only one girl was wearing leather. I couldn’t tell if she was a professional dominatrix, or one of those people that feels like they have to dress up for any “kooky” event they go to. Like those Village Voice types who follow every food truck on Twitter, attend free seminars, and wear saris on Diwali. The oldest woman in the room seemed to be the most experienced. She was a giggly, middle-aged blonde, who told me that her current specialty was “mommy kink for men into infantilism.” However, a guy had recently bought her a Mercedes, which sparked her interest in financial domination (which would spark my interest in anything, TBH). Another girl told us she is a dominatrix, but is also currently in school studying to be a video game designer. So a real potpourri of sadomasochists were in attendance.
The class was three hours long. In that time, here are the top things I learned:
Financial Slaves are not sugar daddies
Our instructor, Seva (pictured above[!!!]) is, she says, considered one of the leading fin-dommes (financial dominatrixes) in the world. She’s been in the business for twenty years.
At the class, she entered the room and began writing what it means to be a financial slave on a tiny whiteboard. It read, “Submissive/male who fetishizes spending money on dominant females, or women in general, or gives money and gifts without receiving any sexual contact in return.”
She continued to write that this is different from a “sugar daddy” because there is no exchange, or expectation of sex in return. Often, there is no physical contact of any kind between a fin-domme and her slave.
She went on, “the slave’s motivation for spending is rather the humiliation of spending money on her… this fetish stems from the male feeling inadequate, like he can’t measure up in some way.” Often, these men tack on financial slavery to another fetish they already have. Like when you buy an energy drink at the gas station, and the cashier says, “if you get another it’s half off”
A fin-domme’s interaction with her slave will often be more than simply taking his money, but also taunting him over the phone or through email. Whatever he’s into, you have to do it. Small penis humiliation, cuckolding, and even making sure he stays chaste are all part of the fin-domme game.READ THE REST HERE.
I wrote this for Vice about the Carrot Dating App. Read!
Citizens of Thailand must be so sick of Rihanna. Everywhere she goes, cops follow. Well, more like everywhere she goes, she alerts social media about it, and then cops follow. Riri was in Phuket and tweeted about seeing a “ping pong show” that blew her mind. The tweet reads: “Either I was phuck wasted last night, or I saw a Thai woman pull a live bird, 2 turtles, razors, shoot darts and ping pong, all out of her pu$$y.” Before I go further, did Rihanna intentionally make a Phuket pun or is that really how she spells the f-word?
Rihanna’s tweet was brought to the attention of the 32 million people who follow her, and in turn to the Phuket police–who suddenly felt like they had to do their job or something. These kind of wild sex shows are nothing new in Thailand, and are a popular event for Western tourists to watch. So, yes, as usual, we’re part of the problem. Even though they’re illegal, police officers are often paid under the table to act like they don’t even know what a ping pong ball is, let alone a vagina. The women performing at these notorious shows tend to be trafficked and forced to work in the industry. For little pay they’re forced to stuff animals inside them, and shoot objects out of their vagina so men can point, and laugh, and be aroused all at the same time. I don’t know, none of this makes sense to me.
Rihanna probably did not know the show she attended was illegal, and probably does not care. She really just wants everyone to know she saw a bird come out of a pu$$y.
Number on the sexy scale: 7. Rihanna may have been joining in on the sick amusement of a horrible show, but at the end of the day she helped shut it down. Way to go?
Read the rest HERE. Highlights include, a man who has sex with cars and breast implants.
Hey! The second Rum and Rom-Coms is up now. Read the intro here, and the rest on Filmdrunk.
Welcome to “Rum and Rom-Coms”. Basically what this is, is I watch a romantic comedy and get drunk while doing so. At the end, I give the film a rating according to how drunk I had to get in order to finish watching it. The higher the number, the worse the movie is.
This week, I picked a real festering heap of turd excuse for a film. It’s called Pizza My Heart, and it’s an ABC Family TV movie. It’s a modern take on Romeo & Juliet (can’t get enough of those) about two rival Italian families who each claim to have the best pizza in town. It stars nobody important. The most famous name on here from what I can tell is Dan Hedaya, a.k.a Carla’s ex-husband, Nick Tortelli, from Cheers. He plays one of the dads.
Before I press play, I know I’m going to need to be at least slightly buzzed to tolerate even the first five minutes without throwing my television screen into the Los Angeles River (which is a real thing, by the way). So I’m making myself some turkey bacon and drinking vodka with diet 7-Up.
I finished the drink, and am now making the same thing again. This time with a lot more vodka. I also ate half of a Reese’s peanut butter cup and took my birth control pill. I’m told that the best writing does not leave out any details, which is exactly what I am doing here for you. Also my pajama shirt has five different yellow stains on it. I won’t explain why there are so many yellow stains on my shirt, because I am told that the best writers leave out some details to create what is known as mystery.
So I am definitely feeling a buzz now. Time to press play.
READ THE REST HERE.
A couple residing in Winnebago County, Illinois, was denied the right to get married. Colette Purifoy has been with her partner John Morris for 38 years now. They have children together and have been seeking a marriage license for the past six months. What’s stopping them? In the eyes of the law, John is unable to give his consent due to brain damage.
OSF St Anthony’s Hospital, where John received his injury.
Welcome to Hump Day, a weekly column which collects stories and news related to sex, dating, romance and the like. Each story’s sexiness is rated on a scale of 6 to 9. Get it?
Government Shutdown Means More Sugar Daddies With Free Time
When the government’s away, the sugar daddies will play. It seems as though this whole government shutdown thing is hurting everyone but the ever crucial online “dating” services. According to NPR, the Grand Poobah of sugar daddy sites–SeekingArrangement.com–reported a “50 percent jump in average daily sign-ups since last Sunday, just before congressional intransigence forced the federal government to stop fully functioning.” A similar site, which lets you bid on first dates–WhatsYourPrice.com–reported a similar traffic increase, going from 500 daily sign ups to 900. I want to clarify that both these sites heavily involve money and sex but are not anywhere near prostitution, because that is illegal and wrong.
There are many ways to interpret this news. I prefer to imagine that male members of congress, unable to work but still itching to hand out money to those less well-off than them, have come to these sites as a means of being charitable. As long as the person they give their hard-earned money to is a gorgeous woman who will have sex with them that isn’t their wife or mistress. After all, all selfless deeds must have rewards.
Number on the sexy scale: 7. This would have been a 6 if I made a Boehner/boner joke. It would have been an 8 if NPR didn’t have to define the term “sugar daddy” at the start of their article.
READ THE REST HERE. Includes a story about free dildos, Miley Cyrus telling Matt Lauer he doesn’t have sex, and a Spanish teacher who might get fired because she posed for Playboy.
I am doing a new regular thing on Filmdrunk called Rum & Rom-Coms where I get myself drunk and sit through a horrible romantic comedy. This is the first one, the second will be up soon!
Tonight, I decided to press play on the 2006 teen romance flick, It’s a Boy Girl Thing, starring Samaire Armstrong and Kevin Zegers. It’s about two teens who live next door to one another, and are total opposites. The boy is a popular jock, the girl is a total geek. One day they find that they’ve switched bodies. Hilarity, clarity, and vulgarity ensues.
Alright I’m sipping on some vodka mixed with this really good tangerine soda stuff from Trader Joe’s and pressing play on this bad boy. The opening credits have this weird stick figure animation, which I highly approve of. Stick figures during opening credits are a lost art that cinema needs to bring back as soon as possible.
Whoa this is fantastic. The first five minutes already has the dude blaring Mystikal’s “Shake Ya Ass” and the girl accidentally losing her top.
These are the kind of movies I love, everything is laid out in the open immediately. The mom of the geek girl gives her daughter a letter from Yale. Then there’s a quick cut to the dad of the jock boy telling his son to get a football scholarship. These characters are established as f*ck.
Okay so jock boy’s name is Woody. He looks like every male cast member of Boy Meets World combined, which is what a 90’s teen hunk should look like. Too bad this was made in 2006.
Read the rest, here!
Article on VICE about Evangelical school supplies!
What kind of prepubescent, budding young child would buy in to joining a religion that denies them from participating in masturbation, sex, pornography, curse words, and Harry Potter? Why, the kind who is into really cool pens, obviously. Turns out the evangelical game is getting so dire, that the righteous must resort to beginner-level magic tricks in order to get young ones to ask, who the hell is this Jesus guy?
Just in time for the new school year, e3 Resources—the same people who brought you the EvangeCube seen above—released a hot new line of gospel disguised as plain old school trinkets.
Here’s what I imagine is their desired scenario with these products:
The bell just rang, class is officially in session. As the students settle in, Ms. Pratt announces that there’s a pop quiz. The crowd of sixth graders groan, but give in to their impending doom. Near the back of the class Timmy asks his neighbor Geoffrey if he can borrow a pen. “Sorry, but do you mind? I left all my pens at home again. Can you believe it?”
Geoffrey looks up toward the sky and gives a knowing smile to his main man, Jesus Christ. “Sure pal, you can borrow this pen right here.”
He hands over to Timmy a seemingly normal black pen. Timmy attempts to jot down his name on the blank sheet of paper, but soon finds that the pen is too bulky and uncomfortable to actually write with. He inspects the pen further, and notices a thin tube protruding from the pen’s side. Being a curious pre-teen, he tugs on the tube and out pours a world of glorious biblical imagery.
Geoffrey pulls out a small comb from his pants pocket. As he brushes down on the two sides of his perfectly symmetrical middle part he says to Timmy, “Pretty cool right?”
Fast forward a solid ten minutes that feels like hours. Timmy has absorbed a world of knowledge. Sure, both he and Geoffrey failed the pop quiz, but they aced eternal salvation.
READ THE REST HERE!